A 13-Year-Old Idiot

Tidying up the basement a bit today, I came across a home video I had converted to DVD several years ago and, for some reason, I decided to give it a look. In doing so, I came to two interesting realizations:
  1. In this video, my parents are roughly the age I am now.
  2. I was a 13-year-old idiot.

It was 1989 and I was 13, having just started the 8th grade. We were at a family reunion where a distant relative had his camcorder set up in order to do a short interview with each individual family. It was my family's turn to be filmed and I turned my idiot dial up to 11.

Literally six seconds into the clip, I was already turning my eyelids inside out (that's me in the middle).


Then I laid a big kiss on my mom's cheek.


When I was asked to introduce her (this was going to be a historical document, after all) I pretended like I didn't know her first name.


As my dad does his best to ignore me and introduces himself, I act like I'm picking my nose.


Then there's this face.


I failed to mention that I have a giant wad of gum in my mouth which I seem to be thoroughly enjoying. Never in my life have I been one to blow bubbles with my gum. Except here.


After elbowing my brother in a get-a-load-of-this type way, I flash a dollar bill to the camera.


After less than three minutes, the interview is over and my family disperses -- me by way of the picnic table bench.


Did you catch that? Less than three minutes. All of that full-on assery in 170 seconds.

Two more realizations:
  1. Suddenly I am aware of just how well-behaved my own kids really are.
  2. I am fully confident that the only thing that kept my parents from killing me during these three minutes was the fact that there would be videotaped evidence against them.
I may regret this, but here's the video in its entirety.

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